A Severe Severus Christmas
by Alicey
Summary: Snape gets rather tormented more than usual by all the cheer and merriment of Christmas for one particular reason... PG for mild swear terms.


Snape strode heavily through the deep and dark paved-stone hallways. The air was dank and cold, as the hallways were in the very bowels of Hogwarts itself. Every time the man took a breath, a cold mist appeared in front of his mouth. The pathways were lit, albeit poorly, by occasional torches positioned on random spots along the walls. The tall man in his dark robes was clutching a bundle and muttering venomously to himself as he moved along- more stomping than his usual sleek manner of movement.   
  
"Damn those... damn them... damn all the world into.. into.. damnation!" he hissed viciously, pausing as if to throw the bundle to the ground. He stopped, apparently thinking for the better of it, and moved on his way. He came to a set of stone steps and moved up it in an instant and several minutes later, he was prowling one of the magnificent hallways of the institution in which he taught his "dear_"_ students the art of potions making. Suddenly, Snape suddenly came onto a charming little scene. It was so sweet it positively made him nauseous at the sight of it. It was a pair of third-year boy and girl pausing under a mistletoe precariously dangling under a doorway. The two children were unaware of the presence of the black-haired, hook-nosed teacher lurking in the darkness less than 15 feet away from them.   
  
Nervous giggles emanated from the girl, and the boy grinned sheepishly.   
  
"Well, ya know, there's da tradition... we gotta kiss," stammered the boy, gesturing at the plant above them.   
  
Snape shook his head. This was simply too enjoyable.   
  
"Don't we have to get back to the feast? We're not supposed to be out, are we?" the girl said, even as the boy leaned in to kiss her lips.   
  
Snape slithered out of the shadows just as the boy kissed his companion. Their eyes were both closed.   
  
"Oh, this is too classic," Snape sneered softly and coldly. The little couple jumped and stared at him in horror, their mouths hanging open. Snape couldn't refrain from a small smile, and he said in the same soft voice, "You know, it would surely be wise to follow the sentiments of your cohort. After all, you never know what you may run into in these dark halls..." he trailed off, gripping his wand at his side.   
  
"But.. but.. Professor.. please don't tell this to anyone- you won't- will you?" cried the boy in horror. "Dun't hurt us!"   
  
"I'd advise you leave now lest you test my temper."   
  
The girl, whose eyes were bugging out, tugged on her companion's arm. In the next instant, the two little Hogwarts students were tearing down the hall.   
  
Snape laughed coldly to himself, and then resumed his walk. A few minutes later, he came to his office, and after going into the dark room and closing the door behind him, he pointed his wand at the fireplace and muttered a spell to light a fire in it.   
  
Orange flickering light flooded the room and revealed sights that Snape was severely disheartened to see. "Oh, gods, not more of this…" he moaned, dropping the bundle that he'd been holding.   
  
Red envelopes. Not the howler-type. He'd have preferred to get howlers than the kind that littered his desk. Green envelopes. Candy-cane striped envelopes. Envelopes from which muffled Christmas songs of yuletide and cheer were emanating. They were everywhere.   
  
"Oh for the love of god... bloody hell…" he snarled, picking up his dropped bundle and opening it on his desk. More cards spilled out- red and green ones, glowing ones, even damn blinking cards. He heard a tapping at his window.   
  
"What could this be now?" he said in a disheartened voice. Moonlight spilled across his pale face as he opened the window. A gust of icy air blew into the room, causing the fire in the hearth to dim and flicker pitifully. Snape muttered a series of swear words, and then several large creatures flew into the room- huge eagle owls all toting duffel bags the size of stuffed potato sacks.   
  
"Oh, god..." Snape breathed when he realized what they were. The owls deposited their baggage onto his desk and flew out of the office before he'd a chance to stop them. "No! No! Come back, you accursed creatures! Oh, bloody sod, take those things with you!" he wailed, gesturing toward the bags.  
  
It was too late already. The owls were no more than mere specks of darkness in the night, and then, they were gone. More cold air was blowing through the open window. Snape shivered. This day couldn't possibly be any more miserable. He closed the window.   
  
The duffel bags suddenly burst open with loud ripping noises and rectangular pieces of paper flew out of them and all over the room. Some landed in the fire by chance, and this made Snape hopeful for an instant- that they'd burn up-  but his hope died instantly when the fire actually flung the cards out- they were fireproof and fire-repellant. All these accursed cards! He'd go mad! Muttering to himself, he sat down and ripped open a card. The best he could do was open each one of these and then incinerate it.   
  
The lyrics of "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" blasted deafeningly from the card. Attempting to cover both ears with one hand, he pulled out his wand and prodded the terrible card with it. It instantly burst into flames, but this worsened the effect of the card's music. Now, all he could hear were the screaming lyrics to "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" roaring through the room, making the very walls vibrate.   
  
"Aaaaaaagh!" Snape hollered, running to his door and flinging it open. He ran down the hall, and to his horror, the cards were flying out of the room, following him! He gasped and streaked down the hall, panting erratically. He barged through a pair of doors- he wasn't even aware of where he was going- and found himself surrounded by green and red and tinsel and the jingling of bells and yuletide caroling. All this- horrible- madness! He bumped into Dumbledore, even as the cards came in and started encircling them. He realized he was in the Great Hall.  
  
"Dumbledore, Headmaster, help me, please.." Snape gasped, pausing between each word. "Make this madness stop! Rid me of this horror!"   
  
"My dear Severus... there is no horror. It's simply the spirit of Christmas... there's no fighting it off. Why don't you have a bit of fun and enjoy a bit of this delightful Christmas pudding with me?" Dumbledore chirped cheerfully, holding up a platter of the aforementioned substance.   
  
"But.. the cards! There's some sort of ghoul behind it! I'm going mad! Mad, I say!" Snape began to laugh madly. "Help me!" The caroling of the students, the golden ornaments, Flitwick charming his little fairy lights... it was too much to bear. "For the love of god... fine, fine, I'll answer the cards, but leave me be! I swear it upon the 25 years of my not washing my hair!"   
  
The cards instantly dropped to the ground as if in response to this vow. Dumbledore clucked his tongue and his eyes sparkled merrily, not rather unlike a certain white-bearded, jolly-faced entity known to deliver presents to little children worldwide. "You know, it's not your fault that Alan Rickman had to play you in the movie..."


End file.
